Canadian Convert Sister's experience of a bad marriage.
During the Prophet's peace be upon him time the Muslims were trained to be adhere to Islam. Most of them were converts to Islam who had firm conviction in Islam and knew the evils of kufr. They loved and feared Allah. They loved the Prophet peace be upon him more than even their own lives. They would give their life for Islam. They were willing to die for Islam and die protecting the Prophet peace be upon him. Indeed they went through many difficult trials. They put their life on the palms of their hands and vowed to defend Islam. When war came they put their trust in Allah and went of to meet their enemies. They loved Islam so much. They could not bear to see tears in the eyes of their Prophet peace be upon him. They were small in quantity but they were all of the highest quality in terms of adherence to Islam. They were the Companions (companions) of the Prophet peace be upon him
Many converts today have the idea that every Muslim they will meet will be like the Sahabah. That they will all adhere strictly to Islam in every aspects like the Sahabah adhered to Islam.
Thus many convert sisters marry a Muslim believing that all Muslims will be the same. Today there is a spectrum of Muslims.
In order for Islam to have a beautiful impact on a Muslim. It has to be followed in totality. Every Muslim is tested by Allah to see how firm they are on Islam. The Sahabah were tested with many things. They were tested through their enemies. The kuffar of Arabia forced an economical boycott of them. They did not allow food to be given to them. So they ended up having to find leaves to eat. In the desert of Arabia even leaves are difficult to find. They were even tortured. Their trials were very severe and when Allah loves some one he tried them the most. because the trials are a form of washing away sins and also so that one can reach a higher rank in Heaven.
Todays Muslims when they are tested by Allah many of them give up and start busing themselves in worldly life and say when we are very old we will start to practise Islam. Thus cannot be like the great Muslims of the first generation of the Muslims (Sahabah and Sahabiat). If they don't follow the rules of Islam they will follow the rules of the kuffar and their own desires.
Thus they will not make the ideal husband or the ideal wife.
Some who practise Islam do not understand Islam or want to pick and choose which bits of Islam to follow and which bits of kuffar to follow.
In September 2005 Sister Amitullah read some of the post on www.muslimconverts.com discussion board and decided she would help her single sisters by marrying one of them to her husband as polygny is allowed in Islam. So she sent the following post to our web sites discussion board
Assalamo Alaikom WaRahamtullahi Wabarakatuh
I write this with the intention to help one to marry for the sake of Allah SWT. I make du'waa for all fellow brothers and sisters in Islam.
First I like to encourage all my fellow sisters to take care of them self and their husbands for the sake of Allah SWT first and for most and then for the sake of our husbands. I think us as humans need to renew our intentions when it comes to marriage especially when it comes to the sisters. Reason being is because we sisters are mostly at home and we cook, clean, take care of the kids and dress nice for our husbands. Which is wonderful but we need to do all this for the sake of Allah and not for the sake of our husbands. We need to be careful not to put a human being before Allah SWT no matter who they might be. We need not to lose our love for the sake of Allah SWT because of our new love our husbands. It is a blessed thing to love our husbands but let's love them with the best of love and that love is for the sake of Allah SWT.
Secondly speaking from experience I would like to advice the brother from the U.K. regarding pursuing polygamy. I would first like to say that the way your wife is feeling is natural. Woman by nature feel emotional and over whelmed at times. So what I would advice you to do is educate your wife with the knowledge of polygamy from Quran and Sunnah and all the benefits it has. You may want to give her some books regarding polygamy in Islam. Also tell her about people in your community who are involved in polygamy and lead a very Blessed and happy life. Encourage her by reminding her that her marriage is a Jihad and by pleasing, helping and obeying you for the sake of Allah SWT, she is pleasing Allah and obeying Allah SWT. And Allah SWT will insha'Allah reward her for all her efforts. Let her know that this new wife could turn out to be a very good companion for her. Could be person who she will share things with, a person who she will share hard and bad times with, a person who she will cook with ect.
But most of all remind her in a nice and soft way that ultimately it is your right in Islam and what ever comes from Allah SWT is good and just as long as followed in the right way. Pray to Allah SWT to help and guide you and tour family ask Him for what is pure and Khair. I hope all works out for the sake of Allah SWT and all is Blessed insha'Allah. May Allah make it easy and Kheir insha'Allah. Allahu Alam Allah knows best.
Your sis in Islam,
After this post she also sent in a beautiful story of how she converted to Islam and how she wore Niqab. for a good Muslim she would be the ideal wife they are looking for. Haveing converted at 16 and learnt her Islam for several years she knew what kind of husband is good for her.
So she married an Egyption who was Hafidh of Quran. However she was unaware of the culture in Egypt and other Muslim countries. Some people memorise the Quran yet they do not follow it fully.
In November 2005, in the last few days of Ramadan the sister she sent a heartbreaking post in which she wanted advice especially from me and following is what she asked for and below is my advice for her:-
I am in distress and need Naseeha
This is Amitullah the sister who was looking for a second wife for her husband. Well since then we have divorced due to the fact of his family and them not wanting me to be apart of the family because I am a white Canadian Convert well I say Alhumdulillahi Rubbill Alameen that i am a convert to Islaam and Islaam is the abought most best thing that has ever happened to me Alhumdulillah.
Now I am in my Edaah and I am so hurt by the fact they did not except me and my husband being the eldest son and coming from a Arab family he choose them. I do admit that I am so far away WaAlhumdulillah from being westernized despite I am a westerner and I think they did not like that.
I want to go to Muslim land insha'Allah one day and they want to stay here and get education and all that which is fine for them but for me I do not want to raise kids in this part of the world and I told them this and still he agreed with me and the next thing I know he is calling me an extremist and I am too Salafi for him. I am Salafi WaAlhumdulillah and I try my outmost best to practice Islaam and he treats me like am a bad person because of this. I mean I am so confused I thought I am right for thinking and practicing the way I do Allah hu Alim. I guess I just need some good advice. I would really like to hear from Abu Ubaida the owner (of muslimconverts.com) because Masha'Allah you always give good advice. and all as well please and thank you. JazakAllah kheir.
Also I feel so lonely and I am trying to be strong because I know Alhumdoillah Allah SWT is there I just Allah Who Mastan feel alone some times and I am in need of some good Muslimah friends insha'Allah. PLEASE MAKE DUW"AA FOR ME!!! JAZAKALLAH KHIER.
As Salaamu Alaykum. Sister
When I read your email I was very sad at what has happened. From your previous emails I understand that you have been Muslim for five years, Married for one year and converted at the age 16 only and Masha'Allah started wearing Niqab 6 months after converting.
However, in everything there is khair for the Muslim. Even in this situation there Is khair for you. Allah forgives the sins that people do if he wishes to do so. But when some one wrongs some one else then on the day of judgment the matter will be between the two parties. Before entering Jannah (heaven) the Muslims will have to sort out there differences.
Jannah (heaven) is a place of total peace and tranquillity, were no one hurts each other. Before entering into a heaven people will have to pay those whom they hurt in this life. The currency will be ones good deeds.
Some of the good deeds of the Muslim who wronged another Muslim will be taken away from him/her and given to the one who has been wronged. If he/she doesn't have any good deeds left to give then some of the sins the wronged Muslim has committed will be taken of him/her and transferred to the person who committed that crime . Thus your making your scales of good deeds become heavier or your scale of bad deeds becoming lighter than they would be had that person not hurt you physically or emotionally or in any other way.
So their is khair for you in this situation. Don't look at what they have done to you but look at what they will have to pay to you. It may be the cause of you entering a higher place in Jannah (heaven) InshaAllah. As we know there are different levels of heaven.
This life is short and temporary but the life in the hear after is
everlasting and imagine if a few days or even years of hurt can elevate you
to a higher place in heaven and even closer to your Lord. Then it is well
worth it. We have
to pity the person who due to his/her bad behaviour towards other Muslims ends
up losing those vital deeds he needs to build a better place for himself in
Jannah or it may be the cause of him/her roasting in hell for a while.
Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:
"The world is the prison of the Mu`min, and a Paradise for the Kaafir" (Saheeh Muslim, Kitaabuz-Zuhdi war-Raqaa`iq [18/93] Sharh an-Nawawi)
So the truthful Mu`min has patience upon what afflicts him in the world so that it becomes for him the everlasting delights, and the Kaafir is delighted in the world as if it is his paradise, and it becomes his everlasting punishment on the day of reward.
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:
"The Mu`min who mixes with people and remains patient on their harms, is better than the Mu`min who does not mix with people nor does he remain patient on their harms" (Narrated by Ibn Maajah and at-Tirmidhi and it is Saheeh)
The Prophets were the best of human beings and thus they went truth the most difficult tests Their people harmed them, disputed with them, disbelieved in them, tried to kill them, and exiled them from their countries. But they remained patient and in the end they were the victorious.
Allah the Most High said:
"(They were reprieved) until, when the Messengers gave up hope and thought that they were denied (by their people), then came to them Our Help, and whomsoever We willed were rescued" (Yoosuf 12:110)
And Allah said concerning the wise Luqmaan as he ordered his son:
"O my son! Establish as-Salaah , command the good and forbid the evil, and have patience on whatever befalls you. Verily, these are some of the important commandments (ordered by Allah with no exemption)." (Luqmaan 31:17)
When the Prophet (peace be upon him) was asked which people are afflicted with the toughest of tribulations, he (peace be upon him) said:
"The Prophets, and then their like, and then their like. A person is afflicted according to his Deen. So if his Deen is firm, his afflictions become severe. And if in his Deen there was mildness, then the affliction is in accordance with his Deen. So the affliction does not leave the slave until it leaves him walking on the earth, and there is no sin on him." (Narrated by at-Tirmidhi and he said this Hadeeth is Hasan Saheeh)
And on the authority of Abu Hurairah ( may Allah be pleased with him ) who said: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said: "The afflictions do not seize to exist on a male or female person of faith, in his self and his wealth, until he meets Allah while there is no sin on him." (Extracted by Ahmad and at-Tirmidhi and he said that Hadeeth his Hasan Saheeh)
And on the authority of Abdur-Rahmaan ibn Awf may Allah be pleased with him who said:
"We were afflicted with the Prophet (peace be upon him) during the bad days so we remained patient. Then we were afflicted during the good days after him, but we did not have patience." (Narrated by at-Tirmidhi who said Hadeeth is Hasan)
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) sought refuge (in Allah) from trials, so he (peace be upon him) said:
"O Allah! By Your knowledge of the unseen, and Your Power over the creation, keep me alive for as long as You know that life is better for me. And give me death when You have known that death is better for me. O Allah! And I ask You for Your fear in the unseen and the seen, and I ask You for the word of truth in pleasure and anger. And I ask You for resolution in poverty and in affluence. And I ask You for delights that do not end. And I ask You for the consolation for the eye which does not seize to continue. And I ask You for the pleasure after the decree. And I ask You for the coolness of the life after death, and I ask You for the pleasure of the look at Your Face, and the love for the meeting with You, without any damaging adversity, nor any trial with the possibility of going astray. O Allah! Beautify us with the beauty of Imaan and make us the guided leaders" (Saheeh Sunan an-Nisaa`i 1237)
Allah is greater. Allah's ability to punish some one is far greater than what human beings can inflict on the true slaves of Allah and there is no escape from Allah. When Allah seizes some one there is no escape.
Similarly Allah's love is also greater than what human beings can give each other. So we should try to seek His love.
So we fear Allah more than we fear people and we seek Allah's love more than we seek peoples love.
Ibn kathier relates the following story of Prophet Ayyub in his tafsir
"The Prophet Ayyub Allah tells us about Ayyub (Job), and the trials that struck him, affecting his wealth, children and physical health.
He had plenty of livestock, cattle and crops, many children and beautiful houses, and he was tested in these things, losing every thing he had. Then he was tested with regard to his body, and he was left alone on the edge of the city and there was no one who treated him with compassion apart from his wife, who took care of him. It was said that it reached the stage where she was in need, so she started to serve people (to earn money) for his sake. The Prophet said:
(The people who are tested the most severely are the Prophets, then the righteous, then the next best and the next best). According to another Hadith:
(A man will be tested according to his level of religious commitment; the stronger his religious commitment, the more severe will be his test.) The Prophet of Allah, Ayyub, upon him be peace, had the utmost patience, and he is the best example of that. Yazid bin Maysarah said: "When Allah tested Ayyub, upon him be peace, with the loss of his family, wealth and children, and he had nothing left, he started to focus upon the remembrance of Allah, and he said: `I praise You, the Lord of lords, Who bestowed His kindness upon me and gave me wealth and children, and there was no corner of my heart that was not filled with attachment to these worldly things, then You took all of that away from me and You emptied my heart, and there is nothing to stand between me and You. If my enemy Iblis knew of this, he would be jealous of me. ' When Iblis heard of this, he became upset. And Ayyub, upon him be peace, said: `O Lord, You gave me wealth and children, and there was no one standing at my door complaining of some wrong I had done to him. You know that. I used to have a bed prepared for me, but I forsook it and said to myself: You were not created to lie on a comfortable bed. I only forsook that for Your sake.'' This was recorded by Ibn Abi Hatim. Ibn Abi Hatim recorded from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet said:
"When Allah healed Ayyub, He sent upon him a shower of golden locusts, and he started to pick them up and gather them in his garment. It was said to him, "O Ayyub, have you not had enough'' He said, "O Lord, who can ever have enough of Your mercy) The basis of this Hadith is recorded in the Two Sahihs, as we shall see below.
(and We restored his family to him (that he had lost) and the like thereof along with them)
It was reported that Ibn `Abbas said: "They themselves were restored to
him.'' This was also narrated by Al-`Awfi from Ibn `Abbas. Something similar
was also narrated from Ibn Mas`ud and Mujahid, and this was the view of
Al-Hasan and Qatadah. Mujahid said: "It was said to him, `O Ayyub, your
family will be with you in Paradise; if you want, We will bring them back to
you, or if you want, We will leave them for you in Paradise and will compensate
you with others like them.' He said, `No, leave them for me in Paradise.' So
they were left for him in Paradise, and he was compensated with others like
them in this world.''
(as a mercy from Ourselves) means, `We did that to him as a mercy from Allah towards him.'
(and a Reminder for all those who worship Us.) means, `We made him an example lest those who are beset by trials think that We do that to them because We do not care for them, so that they may take him as an example of patience in accepting the decrees of Allah and bearing the trials with which He tests His servants as He wills.' And Allah has the utmost wisdom with regard to that. "
So you should be patient and put your trust in Allah. We know that the Sahabiyat (female companions) went though so much. Maybe Allah will give you a truly pious husband one day.
You will feel at this time hurt and lonely but as I said there is so much khair for you in this. You said that your husband is Egyptian, Hafidh of Quran and recites with Tajweed and he is doing a degree in computer mathematics and works full time. Yet even being Hafidh of Quran he says you are an extremist because you want to follow Islam as taught by the Prophet (peace be upon him)and according to the understanding of the Sahabah. It may have been that he was memorising the Quran for fame rather than to seek Allah's pleasure.
If a Muslim was to call another Muslim an extremist because he/she wants to follow the pure Islam as taught by the Prophet (peace be upon him) and according to the understanding of the Sahabah (companions of the Prophet) then that is very dangerous statement to make as it could lead the person saying such statements out of tee fold of Islam. Those people who make these statements are lack intelligence even if they have a PHD
The biggest problem is that brothers and sisters allow them to say such things and are not firm with such people.
One needs to tell them that all you are doing is following the orders of Allah and His Messenger (peace be upon him). If you think follow those orders is being extreme. Then you are saying Islam is incorrect.
Say all I am doing is trying to following the orders of Allah and His Prophet (peace be upon him just like the Sahabah (companions) did. Are you saying they were extreme?
Allah tells us in the Quran that He was pleased with them. Are you saying Allah made a wrong statement?
Tell him/her you should repent because such thinking can take a person out of Islam and reside in the hellfire for ever.
The kaffirs believe that following Islam to the teeth like the Sahabah is extremism. They have being trying for many years to get Muslims to aslo believe that this is extremism. Some Muslims have been stupid enough to believe this and have gone out of Islam without sometimes even realizing that they have gone out of Islam. But with simple firmness we have a solution that may help them. That they realize their errors and come back into Islam InshaAllah.
The same argument is being used against the Mujahideen. Kaffirs say so and so is a Jihadi and thus bad and evil. Now some of the some so called Muslims say the same. Instead of looking to the Quran and Sunnah to determine what is good and bad . They obtain their sense of right and wrong from the anti-Islam mass media, corrupt teachers and ignorant people. As we can see even some of these people are Hafidh of Quran. yet they lack the love and understanding of Islam.
The companions of the Prophet (peace be upon him) were bigger Jihadi's than the Jihadis of today. The Prophet (peace be upon him) himself was the biggest Jihadi of all time.
This is why we are told in some Hadiths that the two things that are most likely to take us to the hell are the private parts and the tongue. What our private parts do and what our tongues say can lead us into the hell fire. The private parts are far easier to control than the tongue.
Therefore by accusing a certain Muslims of doing wrong, one could in reality be criticizing the Prophet peace be upon him and even Allah without realizing it.
Sister, Allah has been has saved you from this marriage. In a marriage it is essential that the Husband understands Islam, loves Islam and implements Islam in his life. The husband is the commander in chief of the family and the wives are like his officers. If he has a faulty understanding of Islam or does not care about Islam then the whole family suffers and everything breaks down.
Many times its happened that when the wife is religious but the husband is not. The Islam of the kids suffers. The mother tries her best to get the children to go to the Masjid and read the Quran.
But the kids complain to the father that she making them do this and that and they have school and they need to play. The father is the head of the family and he says ok go play or go to the mall. So instead of going to the Masjid their sons are at the mall checking out the girls or the daughters are on a catwalk in the mall.
No mother could bare to see her children screaming and burning in the fire of this world even for a secound so how about the fire of hell which is much worse.
So you have been saved from a marriage that could have brought you a lot of problems in the future.
How did you end up marrying this man, who introduced /recommended him?
You said you want to make Hijrah (migration ) to a Muslim land were you can raise your children in a more Islamic environment. This is something essential because I know how difficult it is for parents and their children to not stray away from Islam whilst living in kaffir lands.
You mentioned that you thought that they did not like you being away from the western culture. This probably is true. Some Muslims brought up in Muslim countries are more western than kaffirs in the western countries.
Some of these Muslims are stuck in the 19th century British and French culture. Which was forced upon them by the invaders. It is a well know fact that the kaffirs from countries like Britain and France were very racist against say Arabs and Asians especially in those days. The left behind in Muslim countries Universities. Inside these Universities and even schools there was the Child were brainwashed to believe western values, culture and the western race was superior to all other cultures and races. This brainwashing still goes on either directly or indirectly and the Muslim youth which graduate form these institutions come out thinking they are westernised and thus superior to those who are not western in values and culture. They even become racist against anyone who is not western in manners and thinking. I have met many like that.
Some of them want to marry convert sisters but do not want her to follow Islam fully. They want her to follow only small bits of Islam which suit him and his family. Such as obeying the husband, not cheating on him, being kind to his parents and maybe a few other bits of Islam. The rest of Islam he does not want her to go near.
May Allah give you patience and make things easy for you Ameen.